


can i trade in my panic attack for a boyfriend?

by something4sure



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Canon Compliant, Complete, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Internalized Homophobia, Kang Taehyun-Centric, Kissing, M/M, Mentioned Choi Soobin, Mentioned Choi Yeonjun, Mentioned Huening Kai, Mostly fluff though, Panic Attacks, Self-Hatred, Sharing a Bed, Taehyun Has OCD, blue hour era, goes to beomgyu's pov sometimes though, it's not as bad as i make it out to be, jeez there's a lot of tags, just a bit, just a little though, mentioned Yeonbin, mostly anyway, that trope where one can't sleep and gets comforted by the other one, they're cute okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-14 01:13:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29038431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/something4sure/pseuds/something4sure
Summary: read the tags for a general summary and for TWs, it's not that bad but please be careful :)
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Kang Taehyun
Comments: 8
Kudos: 98





	can i trade in my panic attack for a boyfriend?

Taehyun grabbed at his sheets as he laid on his bed, staring up at the bottom of the bunk above him. He desperately tried to steady his breathing. He felt his heart pounding throughout his whole body, and with every beat it felt like it was harder to breathe, harder to think. 

_ Stupid, stupid, stupid. Why are you even suffering so much right now? You had a great day today. You’re not justified to be suffering. But don’t think for a moment that means you deserve to be happy.  _

The thoughts came in unstoppable waves, barely making it to the surface of tangible thought before being pulled down into the ocean of vague anxiety. Taehyun didn’t know what to do. He had experienced attacks before, but never anything to the extent of his attacks tonight.

He could feel his entire body shaking and he prayed that he wouldn’t wake anyone else up. He looked around the room, barely able to make out Beomgyu’s bed a few yards away. He knew Kai was in the bunk above him, and he hoped he was still asleep and that his shaking hadn’t roused him. Yeonjun and Soobin share the room next door, so he didn’t have to worry about them.

Taehyun, laying on his side, pulled his knees into his chest, only halfway under the covers, and everything started to crash down more. 

How his blankets only covered half of him, leaving one leg exposed to the cold air and one completely warm. The way it felt uneven drove him crazy, but he knew that no matter how many different ways he tried to fix it, it wouldn’t help. He had already spent about 20 minutes trying. 

The piercing sound of the clock on his nightstand, each tick feeling like an explosion in his ears, echoing around inside his head, reminding him of the passing time, and making him want to scream. 

The way his heartbeat didn’t match up to the ticking of the clock, and that this discrepancy was made clear with every pound of his heart, every tick of the clock. 

The knowledge that it is past 2 am, and that he has dance practice early tomorrow, and if he doesn’t get enough sleep now he is going to fail tomorrow, which might lead to him getting kicked out of the group and shunned by this family he found. 

The persistent thought that time would stop for nothing. 

Taehyun squeezed his eyes shut and dug his nails into his shins. He tried to focus on his breathing. In four counts, out four counts. In four counts, out four counts. He lined his counts up with the ticking of the clock and tried to calm himself down enough to regulate his heartbeat. He opened his eyes. 

He was still shaking, still felt like crap, still being driven crazy by every single little sound and movement and their relationships with each other, but he didn’t feel like he would die any second. But he did know that that feeling would come back. That was the third or fourth time that horrible wave had passed through. He needed to do something before it happened again. 

He knew he could give in to the compulsions, he could spend all night obsessively cleaning every inch of the room, ironing his blankets, scrubbing his hands until they were red, which is what his brain tells him he needs to do in order to feel better. Is the stove on? Is the door locked? There’s probably food crumbs under his bed, which might cause an ant infestation, and one might bite Yeonjun, who is allergic, and they’ll have to go to the hospital, and the group will suffer because of it, and all because he didn’t clean well enough...

Trying to ignore these urges and illogical snowball-effect thoughts, trying to convince himself that his brain is being stupid and he doesn’t need to do any of these things, and that they will cause more harm than good in the end, is almost excruciating. He could feel the anxiety slowly chipping away at him, and he felt helpless to do anything about it. 

He looked over at Beomgyu’s bed, seeing the dark silhouette of him bunched up in his blankets. He didn’t want to go wake Beomgyu up and ask for help. The last thing he wants to do is burden someone else with his problems. 

But then he remembers how it feels. How desperate he is to not go back there. How he would do the exact same for Beomgyu, and has many times. Beomgyu comes to him whenever he gets too overwhelmed from schoolwork and the pressures of being an idol, and he’s able to calm him down. He knows Beomgyu wants to help him in the same way. He knows Beomgyu cares about him. 

_ You idiot. Beomgyu doesn’t care about you, what the heck. Probably none of your members care about you, but especially not him. You really think he doesn’t despise you, given your probably obvious gross feelings for him? Seriously Taehyun, keep it together. You’re disgusting. You deserve nothing, especially from him. _

Slowly, Taehyun shook his head, untangled himself from his blankets, and sat up, swinging his shaking legs off the side of his bed. The springs in his mattress creaked painstakingly, and he once again silently prayed that the noise hadn’t woken anyone up. He slowly shuffled to Beomgyu’s bed, hesitating at his bedside before whispering shakily, “Beomgyu hyung.” 

Beomgyu didn’t move. 

Taehyun winced, the cold of the floor seeping through his feet and making his shaking worse. He took a couple deep breaths, trying to force a casual sounding voice. Trying to ignore his thoughts currently screaming at him that everything is wrong, and if he doesn’t do something about it then horrible things will happen, he placed his hand on Beomgyu’s shoulder and tried again. 

“Beomgyu hyung.” 

Taehyun’s heart dropped as Beomgyu turned over, groaning a little bit and squinting at Taehyun. 

“Taehyun? Why the hell are you up, it’s like, nope o’clock in the morning.” 

Taehyun took another deep breath, trying to put that casual voice on again. “Can I maybe sleep with you tonight? It’s fine if not I was just wondering-“ 

“Wait, you want to sleep with me?” Beomgyu snorted a little as he propped himself up, looking at Taehyun, smiling playfully. “Taehyun, you never ask to sleep with anyone, Kai sometimes has to beg you to let him sleep with you-“ he stopped suddenly, realizing that something was wrong. “Wait, are you shaking?? Taehyun why are you breathing so hard right now, did something happen???” 

Taehyun slowly shook his head. “No, I- uh, I don’t feel very good and-“ He felt his voice shake violently before suddenly breaking, and he cut himself off, not wanting to cry in front of someone else. He hugged himself a little, looking kind of like he was collapsing inward, trying to find some sort of way to ground himself. He could feel the thoughts taking over again, and he could feel the panic showing on his face, no matter how hard he tried to mask it. His stomach turned with a wave of nausea. “Never mind, it’s fine, I’m sorry for waking you up, never mind,” he whispered brokenly, turning around and starting to go back to his bed. 

It’s fine. Beomgyu deserves his sleep right now. This isn’t his problem.

“No, Taehyun-“ he heard Beomgyu whisper-shout. He heard a scrambling of sheets and a soft thump on the ground, and he felt Beomgyu’s hand around his. He turned around and his eyes darted all over the floor, unable to look up and make eye contact with Beomgyu, his breathing completely unsteady again. 

Beomgyu’s face was full of concern, and he took Taehyun’s other hand and held them both. “Oh my god, you really are shaking. Are you okay??? That’s a stupid question. Come here.” Beomgyu let go of Taehyun’s hands and pulled him into a tight hug, rubbing circles onto his back. 

Taehyun could feel himself starting to break down in Beomgyu’s arms. He didn’t want to cry in front of him. But the feeling of being held made him feel so safe, yet so vulnerable, that he couldn’t help it. He clutched the back of Beomgyu’s shirt, desperate to hold onto something, then buried his face in Beomgyu’s shoulder in order to stifle any sobs loud enough to wake Kai up. 

Beomgyu tensed for a second at Taehyun’s sudden display of emotion, but quickly continued rubbing circles on his back and whispering soft reassurances to him. He has only seen Taehyun cry a few times, and he has never seen him sobbing like this. It made him really worried, and he wondered how long Taehyun had been suffering before he worked up the courage to come wake him up. It must have been a while, he knows how stubborn Taehyun can be. 

That realization, that he had been going through this alone tonight for who knows how long, left an ache in his chest. He hated seeing Taehyun in pain. He didn’t know what was going through Taehyun’s head right now, but there was no way he was going to let him go through it alone. Not anymore.

After a few minutes, Beomgyu noticed that Taehyun was almost completely leaning on him, like he could barely support his own weight. He was holding onto Beomgyu like it was the end of the world, like if he let go he would fall. And Beomgyu didn’t know this, but that’s exactly how Taehyun felt. 

Taehyun knew it was selfish of him to be taking Beomgyu’s sleep away from him like this, but he literally felt like he would drown in his own mind if either of them let go. So he held on for dear life. Focusing on the circles Beomgyu was drawing on his back. On Beomgyu’s heartbeat that he could feel through their shirts. On the feeling of Beomgyu’s shirt on his face. On Beomgyu’s quiet whispers of “Hey, I got you. It’s going to be okay. I got you.” 

Suddenly, he felt Beomgyu start to move away from him, and he panicked. He gasped and almost stumbled over onto the floor, but Beomgyu caught him. Taehyun weakly grabbed Beomgyu’s nearest arm and held onto it for support, breathing hard. 

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry Taehyun, I didn’t mean to-'' Beomgyu helped him up and put his hands on either side of his waist. He noticed that Taehyun was staring hard at the ground, his eyebrows furrowed in self criticism. Beomgyu smiled encouragingly at him, desperate to make his friend feel safe and stop blaming himself for everything. “Hey, it’s okay.” He wiped Taehyun’s tears away with his sleeve as Taehyun sniffled a little, his eyes moving up to look at Beomgyu. Beomgyu felt a physical pain in his chest at how  _ broken _ and  _ scared _ he looked. He has never seen him like this. He smoothed out Taehyun’s shirt comfortingly and looked him in the eye. “It’s okay.”

Taehyun nodded slowly and whispered back, “It’s okay.”

Beomgyu smiled at his echo. He made sure Taehyun was okay to walk, then started leading him over to his bed. “I was just gonna say we should probably lay down now, I mean you look exhausted and you were practically limp in my arms.” 

Taehyun nodded. “Yeah, that sounds good,” he shakily half-whispered. He let go of Beomgyu. “I’m sorry, that was my fault, I can go to my bed if you want, I’m sorry-“ 

“No.” Beomgyu said firmly, making Taehyun jump a little. Beomgyu took his hand again, wincing because he accidentally startled Taehyun. “You don’t need to apologize. And you’re sleeping here. You asked me if you could, remember? No way I’m letting you sleep by yourself right now, dummy.”

Taehyun nodded, kind of delirious from the sleep deprivation and how emotionally exhausted he was. “Okay,” he said, in the smallest voice Beomgyu had ever heard him use. 

“Okay,” Beomgyu laughed a little. He helped Taehyun into his bed, Taehyun’s whole body still shaking like a leaf. He got in after making sure Taehyun was comfortable, not having much room as it was a twin bed. 

Taehyun sniffled a little more, then sighed into the blankets, which smelled like Beomgyu’s special lavender fabric softener that he doesn’t let anyone else use. As Beomgyu pulled his blankets over both of them, making sure they were even and smooth and pulled up to their chins (he knew that’s how Taehyun liked them), Taehyun noticed his breathing was a lot more regular. Phew. Crisis averted. Well, after having gone through three or four of them tonight already. 

Taehyun watched Beomgyu finish fixing the blankets, and he noticed how focused he was on making him as comfortable as possible. This simple action of thoughtfulness made his heart beat a little faster, and he smiled for the first time that night. 

Maybe he would allow himself to feel a little bit right now, despite how often his brain tells him that his feelings are disgusting. 

Taehyun rolled over onto his side, facing away from Beomgyu. He was so tired, he wanted to sleep so badly, and he already felt so much more comfortable here with Beomgyu. Not five seconds later, he heard the bedsprings creak a little, felt Beomgyu’s arm snake around his waist, and felt Beomgyu’s soft breath on the back of his neck. 

“Is this okay?” Beomgyu whispered, worry lacing his voice. 

Taehyun found Beomgyu’s hand in front of him and intertwined their fingers. He cuddled back into Beomgyu’s chest and sighed contentedly, hoping he understood that this was very okay. 

Beomgyu squeezed Taehyun’s hand in response, understanding that he didn’t have the energy to talk right now. He could feel Taehyun’s whole body still shaking, and he racked his brain for more ways to help, more ways to make him feel calm and safe.

Taehyun tried to steady his breathing even more, focusing the rising and falling of Beomgyu’s chest, which he could feel through his back. Slowly but surely, he felt himself calm down.

For the first time tonight, Taehyun felt truly and completely safe. 

He felt Beomgyu’s other hand come up to comb through his hair, and he leaned a little into his touch, allowing himself to enjoy being held and taken care of. Usually his brain would never allow him to get this far.

_ Stupid brain. _

Beomgyu softly cleared his throat. “Is there anything you want to talk about? Or do you just want to lay here and go to sleep? Either is okay.” 

Taehyun’s eyebrows furrowed and he tensed a little bit at the sudden question. He had planned to stay completely silent the rest of the night, but he felt so safe and secure right now, and he wasn’t sure when he’d feel okay enough to finally get some of his thoughts out again. So he gave option one a try. 

“Do you think... it’s bad to be gay?” 

Beomgyu felt his heart speed up at the shakily whispered question, and he prayed that Taehyun couldn’t feel it too. The boy that he had been crushing on for a year, that he is currently spooning to sleep for the first time, just asked him so worriedly if he thought being gay was bad. He would have laughed at the irony if he didn’t know how fragile Taehyun was right now. 

“No, Taehyun, I don’t think it’s bad to be gay. I do think anyone who says it is deserves a thousand razor scooters to the ankle, though.” 

Taehyun snorted, which made Beomgyu’s heart skip a beat. He made him laugh. He’s helping him feel better. 

“I agree with you,” Taehyun said, squeezing Beomgyu’s hand. Beomgyu squeezed Taehyun’s back.

There was silence for a couple minutes, both of them lost in thought. Taehyun stared out the window next to Beomgyu’s bed, watching the night sky. Beomgyu mindfully carded one hand through Taehyun’s blonde hair, careful not to pull it at all, and rubbed his other hand’s thumb in circles around the back of Taehyun’s hand. 

Suddenly, Taehyun turned around to face Beomgyu, looking him in the eye, still holding his hand. “I feel a lot better now,” he said, his mouth and eyes forming a small, but genuine, smile. “Thanks hyung.” 

Beomgyu felt like his heart was going to explode from how fast it was beating. He smiled back, trying to swallow the butterflies in his stomach. “What was I supposed to do, just tell you to go get back in bed?” he chucked a little bit, laughing at Taehyun’s dumbfounded look. “You’re welcome. Anytime.” 

Taehyun kept looking at Beomgyu’s eyes. He felt his heart skip a couple beats as he got a little lost in them. Beomgyu’s eyes caught the dim moonlight from outside and turned a soft dark brown color, shining gently and beautifully. Taehyun wondered why he’d never seen them like that before. 

Beomgyu looked right back at Taehyun’s, the faint light from Kai’s small nightlight making them sparkle just the slightest bit, his irises otherwise blending perfectly with his pupils in the dark room. Beomgyu wondered why he’d never seen them like that before. 

Before he knew what he was saying, Beomgyu started. “Taehyun?”

Taehyun smiled, coming out of his daze. “Yeah?” 

Beomgyu felt his cheeks flush, and hoped the darkness of the room covered for him. He took a deep breath and ran his thumb over Taehyun’s knuckles, as their hands were still loosely intertwined. No way he’s backing out now. Not from an opportunity like this. He took a deep breath. “Can I kiss you?” 

Taehyun blinked a couple times, not sure he heard correctly. 

_ Did Beomgyu, aka the person I’ve liked for a while now, just ask to kiss me??? I ain’t never been kissed before... _

Beomgyu’s heart sped up from anticipation, and he wondered if he would die from a heart attack right then and there. But then, Taehyun beamed, his eyes forming little happy crescents. Before he could lose the nerve, Taehyun leaned in and connected their lips. 

Beomgyu made a little surprised noise, not expecting Taehyun to make the first move, but then quickly settled in to it. He cupped Taehyun’s face in his hands, and felt Taehyun’s hands cover his hands. 

Their lips moved slowly against one another, both Taehyun and Beomgyu completely engrossed in the moment, trying to make each second count, not wanting to rush. 

Taehyun would never admit it, but he had always been a little scared to kiss because he hates bad breath. What if he gets to his first kiss and the other person’s mouth tastes horrible, but he just has to pretend it’s all fine and muscle through it? But, he was relieved the second he started kissing Beomgyu. He could only taste some sort of oddly addicting mix of his own wintergreen toothpaste and Beomgyu’s bubblegum toothpaste. Yeah, Beomgyu uses bubblegum toothpaste. He hates mint. 

_ What a dork. _

Taehyun started playing with the top of Beomgyu’s shirt with both hands and smiled against his lips as he thought about Beomgyu’s little endearing quirks. Some are kind of funny and ridiculous, and some are really cute. But all of them made him fall even harder for his friend. He lightly tugged at Beomgyu’s shirt, pulling him in a little closer.

Beomgyu took this as permission to level up a bit. He moved one of his hands to Taehyun’s lower back, pulling him in even closer, and started deepening the kiss. Taehyun’s hands froze at the top of Beomgyu’s shirt out of nervousness, as he has never done anything like this before. Beomgyu noticed this and realized that Taehyun was nervous. He took one of Taehyun’s hands with his other hand to try to comfort him, lacing their fingers together. It worked, but also kind of distracted both of them. Their noses bumped and they giggled into the kiss for a second, which relaxed Taehyun a lot, then they continued, one of Beomgyu’s hands still putting light pressure on Taehyun’s lower back. 

Their feet tangled together and Taehyun, now completely relaxed, moved his free hand to the back of Beomgyu’s head, carding through his dark hair and softly massaging his scalp. Beomgyu traced around Taehyun’s knuckles with his thumb, their hands still connected. 

Not only did the kiss give Taehyun a distraction from his thoughts (a fantastic distraction, by the way), but it also made him feel so loved and wanted, which isn’t something he feels a lot. He usually feels expendable, replaceable, and constantly unable to live up to people’s expectations.

But something about kissing Beomgyu made all of these worries melt away. Beomgyu had asked to kiss him. Beomgyu wanted him there. Beomgyu actually liked him. The validation Taehyun got from all of these facts made him feel so much better. He felt himself falling further and faster for Beomgyu with every second that passed. But this time he wasn’t scared anymore. 

Taehyun moved his hand to Beomgyu’s cheek, letting go of Beomgyu’s hand as he did so. Beomgyu’s hand chased Taehyun’s, coming to rest on his wrist as Taehyun ran his fingers up and down Beomgyu’s jawline. 

Their legs continued to tangle together as they grew impossibly closer. Beomgyu brought the kiss back to surface level, biting gently at Taehyun’s lower lip. Taehyun made a little shocked noise, but was quick to reciprocate, nibbling a little at Beomgyu’s lip in response. 

Beomgyu moved both of his hands back to cup Taehyun’s face, and Taehyun’s hands, again, followed Beomgyu’s, resting on top of them. They finished with one last sweet kiss, and finally pulled apart. 

They shared stunned smiles as they tried to catch their breath, their bodies flush against each other now, their foreheads tilted in to touch one another. Taehyun’s embarrassment caught up with him, and he somehow blushed deeper as he moved his head back a bit and played with his shirt. 

Beomgyu was the first to talk, his hands still ghosting around Taehyun’s face, one playing with his earlobe, the other tracing his cheekbone. “Wow.” He giggled, looking at Taehyun’s red cheeks. “Your face is the color your hair used to be- OW-“ Beomgyu moved his hands away from Taehyun’s face and rubbed his own forearm, which Taehyun had just lightly pinched. 

“Like you’re one to talk! The shade of red on your face hasn’t even been invented yet. You could get an award for that,” Taehyun whisper-yelled, giggling a little back. 

“And I would accept that award with great honors. Not everyone gets to kiss Kang Taehyun.” 

“Well, you would be the first, actually. So congratulations, I’m exclusive.” 

“Is this your way of asking me to be your boyfriend?” 

“And if it is?” 

“I’d say yeah, duh. I may be dumb, but I’m not stupid.” 

“Maybe I should sleep in my friends’ beds more often, if I get to trade a panic attack for a boyfriend.” 

“Hey! I thought you said you were exclusive.” 

Taehyun’s eyes traced over Beomgyu’s face as his playful grin transformed into a soft, genuine smile. “Yeah. Yeah, I am.” 

The two looked at each other, each feeling like their hearts would explode at any second, when Taehyun suddenly spoke. 

“Plus, I think kissing anyone who doesn’t use bubblegum toothpaste would be a real drag. You’re lucky I like dorks.” 

He quickly pecked Beomgyu’s lips one time, then turned back around, grabbed his hand, and settled back into the position they were in before, all faster than Beomgyu could react to what he said. 

Beomgyu just sighed, deciding to ignore Taehyun’s comment. Taehyun is the only person he’d ever let have the last word. 

_ Is this what love is? Lmaooo. _

“Aaaand we’re back here,” he laughed, snuggling into Taehyun’s back and playing with his hair again, which is now successfully tangle-free due to his earlier work on it. He slung his leg over Taehyun’s hips, wanting to make him feel as secure as possible (also wanting to be as close to him as possible), and snuck a few soft kisses onto the back of his neck, just for good measure. He felt Taehyun curl around his arm and kiss across his knuckles in response, and his heart fluttered for the nth time tonight. 

_ Will I ever stop getting flustered by this guy? This is wack. This ain’t never happened to me before. You won’t catch me complaining though.  _

After a couple minutes of comfortable, calm silence, Beomgyu had a sudden thought. 

“Taehyun?” 

“Hyung, I swear to god, if you ask to kiss me again, I’m going to knock you out so we can both finally get some sleep-“ 

“Get off your high horse Taehyun, believe it or not that is not what I was going to ask,” Beomgyu playfully retorted. “What I was going to ask, before I was so rudely interrupted, is what are we going to tell the others? They’re gonna notice. We have Kai’s deep sleeping tendencies to thank for him somehow not waking up all night tonight, but even so, there’s no way we get this past him tomorrow.” 

Taehyun nodded. “True... or Yeonjun hyung.” 

“Or Soobin hyung.” 

They laughed quietly. 

“Honestly,” Taehyun started, “I think we just tell them. I’m pretty sure Yeonjun hyung and Soobin hyung have something going on between them too, as is the majority of MOA, so aside from general playful teasing and stuff I don’t think we have anything to worry about.” 

Beomgyu, who had been laughing since Taehyun brought up Yeonjun and Soobin, quickly agreed. They decided to tell the rest of the group the next day, and totally call out Yeonjun and Soobin while they were at it. 

Taehyun closed his eyes, burying his head into Beomgyu’s pillow. He felt Beomgyu’s hand in his, Beomgyu’s leg slung over both of his, Beomgyu’s arm securing him in the best hug ever, Beomgyu’s other hand still lazily playing with his hair, and Beomgyu’s soft breath evening out against the back of his neck as he started to fall asleep. 

“Taehyun?” 

Taehyun opened his eyes and sighed, pretending to be annoyed but actually grinning. “What is it, hyung?” 

Taehyun felt Beomgyu nuzzle his nose into the back of his neck, his hand in Taehyun’s hair finally lying still. Beomgyu’s words were slurred with sleep. “You have really pretty eyes.” 

Taehyun felt a soft warmth inside his chest, smiling fondly to himself. He wanted to turn around and kiss him again, but he was pretty sure Beomgyu had just fallen asleep, and he himself should probably catch a couple hours as well. So, he settled for kissing across Beomgyu’s knuckles again, and moved Beomgyu’s hand, still intertwined with his, next to his cheek, almost using it as a pillow. 

“You do too, hyung,” he whispered, lightly playing with Beomgyu’s fingers. “Your eyes are beautiful.” 

He could hear Beomgyu’s soft snores, quiet and comforting on the back of his neck, and closed his eyes again. 

He thought about his bed, empty and cold, his blankets bunched up and tossed to the side from when he got up earlier. He couldn’t believe that he almost didn’t do this. He almost didn’t come over here. But, Taehyun had finally scored a point against his stupid brain, completely spiting it by getting a whole boyfriend instead of succumbing to the self-destructive thoughts. 

Not to mention, he has been crushing on this boy for almost two years now. Nice. Internalized homophobia has been a real bitch, but at least he was here now. He didn’t think he could imagine a better first kiss. 

_ How did I ever fall asleep before??? Now that I’ve experienced falling asleep wrapped in a full-body Beomgyu hug, I don’t think I can ever go back. Not that I would ever want to go back.  _

Taehyun felt his mind drift off into a peaceful sleep filled with comfortable, soft dreams, and his last conscious thought of the night passed though his head. 

_ Kai is gonna be so fuckin mad when he realizes I got a significant other before him. Oh well. Be gay do crime. Lmfao.  _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading me projecting onto taehyun for 4.7k words! this is the first fic i've finished and posted on here so. constructive criticism or any sort of interaction is appreciated (lmao i'm lonely but aren't we all). have a good day y'all


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